The Princess Slayer
by Average Everyday Sane Psycho
Summary: Dawn is rcovering from a toncilctomy so Tara tells her a romance classic, A Princess Bride Parody
1. Elizabeth and William

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel are Human.  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes BOLD is what Tara is saying  
  
  
  
The story begins when 15-year-old Dawn Summers had just got her tonsils out.  
  
Her friend Tara McCray was in the Summers living having her turn watching the kid. Dawn handed Tara a note, which read  
  
*Tell me a story*.  
  
"Okay Dawnie," Tara said, " You'll like it, it has Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles."  
  
Tara received another note *as long as it is not about the hell I live in now*  
  
  
  
"Trust me it's not," Tara said, "Shall I begin"  
  
  
  
Dawn nodded  
  
  
  
Elizabeth was raised on a small farm in the country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was William, but she never called him that. Nothing gave Elizabeth as much pleasure as ordering William around.  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
"Farm boy," Elizabeth said, " Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining in it by morning."  
  
"As you wish," William replied.  
  
"As you wish" was all William ever said to Elizabeth?  
  
"Farm Boy," Elizabeth said, ". Fill these with water ----please."  
  
"As you wish," William replied as usual.  
  
That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you." And even more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.  
  
"Farm Boy," Elizabeth said, "fetch me that pitcher."  
  
"As you wish," William again said as he embraced her in his arms and gave her a long kiss...  
  
~ Tara stops and reads the note she just got-  
  
  
  
Buffy would be pissed if she heard this story*  
  
"Ye of little faith," said Tara, "I'm just getting warmed up." ~  
  
  
  
William had no money for marriage. So he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Elizabeth -  
  
  
  
  
  
"William," Elizabeth said, ", I fear I'll never see you again."  
  
"Of course you will luv," William said "But what if something happens to you?" Elizabeth said, "what if you get attacked at night by a gang of pirates or something"  
  
"I'm a survivor," William said, "now my little Buffy I will come for you" "Promise Will," Elizabeth, asked, "I swear on my heart." 


	2. Liam's Proposal

The Princess Slayer  
  
  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel are Human.  
  
  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes Bold is what Tara is saying  
  
  
  
William didn't reach his destination. The Trio who had a whole Revenge of the Nerd Complex to them attacked his ship. But Dawnie that's another story Anyway.when Elizabeth got the news that William was murdered --She went into her room and shut the door. And for days, she neither slept nor ate.  
  
"I will never love again," Elizabeth sighed.  
  
Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never before to hear the announcement of the great Prince Liam's bride-to be.  
  
"My people," Liam said, " ... a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a commoner like yourselves." " But perhaps you will not find her common now," Liam continued, " Would you like to meet her?"  
  
  
  
"My people," Liam said with true vigor, "... the Princess Buffy"  
  
  
  
Now Elizabeth disliked being called Buffy since it was William's name for her. However Liam was Prince and what he said went.  
  
  
  
~  
  
Tara got passed a note  
  
*What about Spike er William*  
  
"You'll see in time," Tara said smiling.  
  
  
  
Elizabeth knew that even though Liam was Prince she could never truly love him. She pledged her heart and soul to one man and one man only. William. Despite Liam's reassurance that she would grow to love him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride. It just so happened that one day her ride would change her life forever when she met three strangers.  
  
~  
  
"A word, my lady?" Rupert Giles asked.  
  
  
  
"I guess so," Elizabeth said, "first may I ask who you are"  
  
  
  
"We are just drifters," said Cordlia Chase, " Can you tell us if there is a Village near by"  
  
~  
  
*Cordy Poor*  
  
"Just let me continue Dawn," Tara said getting pissed.  
  
~  
  
"Sorry miss," Elizabeth said, " Nothing for miles"  
  
  
  
"Then B," said Faith, "No ones gonna hear it when ya scream" 


	3. 3 drifters

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel are Human.  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes italics is what Tara is saying  
  
"Cordlia," said Giles, "What is that you're ripping?"  
  
" Oh Giles, Giles Giles," said Cordlia, "Silly old man What dose it look like It's fabric from the uniform of an Army officer of Guilder."  
  
"Why do that Cor," said Faith"  
  
" Duh faith," said Cordlia, " Their the Sworn enemy of Florin. I want that Prince Liam to die a bloody death"  
  
"Cordlia Chase," said Giles "Why I didn't think you'd kill a flea much more a Prince."  
  
"Hello Giles," Cordlia said, "he dumped me into the cold and is marrying this tramp. Now you have been a good friend to me so I don't want any little accidents to occur to you or Faith okay."  
  
"But why kill B," said Faith, "I mean why not just abandon her in the forest or something."  
  
"She is a little whore," Cordlia said, " she took my Angel from me so she must pay."  
  
" Cordlia shore can fuss," Giles said  
  
"I think she likes to scream at us" Faith replied.  
  
"Probably she means no harm." Giles said  
  
" Hello," Faith said, "The bitch is very short on charm."  
  
"Shut up you two," said Cordlia, "We'll reach the cliffs by sunrise."  
  
" Giles," asked Faith, " Why do you keep steering behind us?"  
  
"Keeping watch," said Giles  
  
"Well," said Elizabeth waking up, "Liam is sure to have sent a search party by now and."  
  
" Liam is a coward Princess," said Cordlia, " I'm sure he said your dead and has found another little trophy wife."  
  
" I ain't no ones Trophy," Elizabeth said and began to catfight with Cordlia. As Giles kept watching behind them.  
  
" Um Cord," said Giles, "I hate to stop your tiff but we are being followed."  
  
Just then Cordlia swings around accidental knocking Elizabeth into the eel infested waters.  
  
"Oops," Cordlia said, "My bad"  
  
"Save her," Giles said  
  
Faith being smarter then she put out through in a lifesaver and pulled the princess back up on the boat.  
  
"Thanks," Elizabeth said, "I already died once already losing my dear William."  
  
"Who," asked Giles?  
  
"William," repeated Elizabeth, " my true love, to him I was his little Buffy I do loath it so when Liam calls me that."  
  
"What happened B," said Faith.  
  
" The Trio captured and killed him," Elizabeth said.  
  
"I hate to cut up your love fest," said Cordlia, " our stalker is getting closer."  
  
"We're safe," said Cordlia," luckily we used a strength spell so Faith has the strength of a lot of men and we can get up this way -- -- he'll have to sail around for hours 'til he finds a harbor."  
  
~  
  
*If they are drifters how would they know magic*  
  
" It is my story now Dawnie," said Tara.  
  
~  
  
The stalker starts to climb up the cliffs write behind our heroes. He is a tall handsome man with white blond hair and deep blue eyes cloth all in black.  
  
"Shit," said Cordlia, " he must be like some superhuman or something."  
  
"Or something," Elizabeth said sighing.  
  
"Well ladies," said Giles, " he's close behind."  
  
"Dammit," said Cordlia, "Can't you go faster."  
  
"I could," said Faith, "if someone didn't bring so much stuff."  
  
"I know," said Elizabeth, "for being a drifter Cordlia you have a lot of stuff."  
  
"I lied," said Cordlia, " My name is Lady Cordlia Chase and I was supposed to be betrothed to Prince Liam until he heard of your beauty."  
  
"Go take him." Said Elizabeth. " I don't love him."  
  
"What's not to love," asked Cordlia, " all that money."  
  
~  
  
*Just like Cordy*  
  
"Yes Dawn," said Tara.  
  
~  
  
"He's not William," Elizabeth said.  
  
Cordlia didn't want to take the chance that the stalker was one of Liam's goons so when they all finally got to the top she cut his rope. Amazingly the stalker hung on to the cliff.  
  
"He didn't fall," said Cordlia, "Crap."  
  
"Watch your language Cordlia," sail Giles, " It's not ladylike."  
  
"Well I don't give a shit," said Cordlia, "Crap he's climbing."  
  
" Amazing," said Elizabeth.  
  
"Must kill stalker," said Cordlia.  
  
" Faith," said Giles "take the princess and head toward the Guilder frontier."  
  
"Then what," Faith said.  
  
" We'll catch up when the stalker is dead," Giles said, " If he falls, fine. If not, the sword." 


	4. The Stalker

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel are Human.  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes BOLD is what Tara is saying  
  
  
  
"Dawn d you like this story so far," said Tara.  
  
*Yes, but who is the Stalker? Will Cordy get hers? Dose Elizabeth marry Liam? *  
  
"You'll find out Dawn," Tara said.  
  
~ The Stalker and Giles were about to meet although it wasn't a pleasant one.  
  
"Hello," said Giles  
  
" Could you give me a hand mate," the stalker said.  
  
"Only if you won't kill me," Giles said.  
  
"Fine," the stalker replied.  
  
Giles reached over the edge of the cliff and pulled the stalker up. "Well," said Giles, " you may not kill me, but my mistress Miss. Chase wants you dead."  
  
"Is that so," said the stalker  
  
"She told me to use the sward and slice you," said Giles, "you however seem to be nice."  
  
"How about you scratch me up a bit," said the stalker, "and I'll scratch you."  
  
"Okay," said Giles.  
  
"Sir," said Giles to the stalker as they were scratching each other up, " I notice you were gloves, do you have six fingers on your right hand?"  
  
"No," said the stalker, "why."  
  
"Well," said Giles, "Just that a six figured man killed my beloved Wife Jenny."  
  
"Oh," said the stalker.  
  
"I plan to seek vengeance for my Jenny," said Giles, "I'm a lover, but, I'll kill the six fingered man. When we meet I plan to say Hello, my name is Rupert Giles. You killed my Wife. Prepare to die. "  
  
"How do you plan to kill him," asked the stalker.  
  
"I've practiced swordplay," said Giles, " and hand to hand combat."  
  
"Well, I certainly hope you find him, someday," said the stalker.  
  
"Well sir," said Giles, "Good Luck on your quest."  
  
  
  
"Dam school master couldn't be trusted." Said Cordlia, "Faith, give me the girl and kick some ass."  
  
"Hello handsome," said Faith, " Wish I didn't have to beat the crap out of ya."  
  
" Wish I didn't have to hit a girl as lovely as you," the stalker said.  
  
" No one has called me lovely before," said Faith, " a Skank maybe but lovely."  
  
"I was being honest." Said the stalker.  
  
"Speaking of honest," said Faith, " why where a mask are you eyes the only good feature about your face that is good?"  
  
"And my smile," the stalker said, " I really don't know why actually."  
  
"Well, I can't kill a kind, honest, handsome man like you." Said Faith, " but run before Cordlia tries to."  
  
"Will do," the stalker said.  
  
Meanwhile Liam was right on there trail with his number two Count Riley.  
  
  
  
~  
  
*Riley, Angel, and Spike oh my*  
  
"Just listen Dawn," said Tara  
  
  
  
~  
  
"From the look of things," said Liam looking at the blood from Giles and the stalker, " It was a blood bath."  
  
"Who do you think won," asked Riley.  
  
"Don't know," said Liam, " There are footprints heading to Guilder though."  
  
" Should we follow," asked Riley?  
  
"Of coarse," said Liam, "My Buffy might be there."  
  
"Are you shore it isn't a set up," asked Riley  
  
" You're a glass half empty guy Finn aren't you," said Liam 


	5. William's Return

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel are Human.  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes BOLD is what Tara is saying  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
" Well now," said the stalker, " you must be Cordlia."  
  
"In the flesh," Cordlia said, "now prepare to die."  
  
"How is a little girl going to kill me," asked the stalker"  
  
" Well," said Cordlia, " one of these glasses just has wine while the other contains a mixture of poisons which are smell less, and taste less."  
  
" So If I die you win," said the stalker, " and if you die I win."  
  
" But I always win," said Cordlia, "but that's right."  
  
The both take a drink and Cordlia keels over and dies. Noticing Elizabeth laying sleepily by Cordlia's body the stalker gently nudges her.  
  
" Who are you sir," Elizabeth asked.  
  
"Just a man on a mission of redemption," the stalker replied.  
  
" I heard everything," Elizabeth, " I can't believe Cordlia's cup had the poison in it."  
  
"Both did," the stalker, said, "I just didn't really drink mine."  
  
"Clever," said Elizabeth.  
  
Meanwhile Liam was getting closer and Closer to his beloved Princess.  
  
" Some ones been here," said Liam looking at Faith and the stalker's footprints. " Lets follow them, maybe we'll find my beloved."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
While Liam kept searching Elizabeth was about to get a big surprise  
  
  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
*Will*  
  
  
  
"I won't tell," said Tara.  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
Please release me," Elizabeth said, " I'll give you anything.  
  
  
  
" How can I be sure," asked the stalker.  
  
  
  
" I am about to marry Prince Liam," Elizabeth said, "He'll do anything for me."  
  
. " If that is so," said the stalker, "then why hasn't the chump rescued you."  
  
" I don't know," Elizabeth said, " I'd rather think Cordlia may be right, Liam has been known through Florin as a Playboy."  
  
"Then why married him," asked the stalker.  
  
" I was forced," said Elizabeth, "I don't love him."  
  
"What do you mean," asked the stalker."  
  
" I mean," said Elizabeth, "That I gave away my heart and soul to a man who had an untimely death caused by the trio."  
  
"Sorry Miss," said the stalker.  
  
" It's the two of us," said Elizabeth, "call me Liz, anyway what's your name?"  
  
"I'm Spike," the stalker (who will now be referred to as Spike) said, "most feared pirate on the seas."  
  
"And why is that," asked Elizabeth.  
  
"Because," said Spike, "I kill my foes to gain treasures by shoving railroad spikes in peoples heads."  
  
"Eew," said Elizabeth.  
  
"I killed the Trio five years ago," said Spike, "dose that count for something."  
  
"Well that's when William died," said Elizabeth, "Did you happen to see a guy about your height, with your bright blue eyes, and scruffy brown hair anywhere on the ship."  
  
  
  
"No Liz," said Spike, "Why?"  
  
"Can't help me," Elizabeth said, "William is still dead."  
  
"Well you still shouldn't be going off and marring the first thing you see," said Spike.  
  
"Can't you just leave my personal life alone," Elizabeth said.  
  
Just then Elizabeth and Spike began to fight and Spike fell down the hill  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"... As ... you ... wish..." Spike said  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Oh no," said Elizabeth, "William your ALIVE!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
And she followed him down. 


	6. The Prince's Lies

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel are Human.  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes BOLD is what Tara is saying  
  
  
  
  
  
While Elizabeth had found out that the stalker aka- Spike was her dear William, Liam was getting very close..  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
" Fresh footsteps," said Liam, "must have run for it."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"They wont get too far," said Riley.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I know," said Liam, "there headed for the catacombs of DOOM."  
  
  
  
  
  
Back at the Ravine Elizabeth was still not over the realization that Spike was her lover William.  
  
  
  
"Buffy," said Spike, "are you all right."  
  
" Yes," Buffy (as she will now be called) said, " I have been dead these past five years."  
  
"Well," said Spike, "we'd better get going or you may just die for real."  
  
  
  
" I can stand death now," said Buffy, " as long as it's in your arms."  
  
" Anyway about Liam," said Spike, " I said I would always come for you."  
  
" I thought the Trio killed you though," said Buffy  
  
  
  
"I'm a fighter," said Spike," you should know that."  
  
~  
  
*Tara, That was a sweet reunion. I want Demons though*  
  
  
  
  
  
"I thought you didn't want me to talk about a hell mouth," said Tara.  
  
  
  
*Changed my mind*  
  
"Well then," said Tara.  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
Well Spike and Buffy were happily reuniting Prince Liam shore up.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
" Oh no," said Buffy looking at Liam at the top of the cliff, " not now."  
  
  
  
  
  
Now remember Cordlia said she used to date Liam, what I didn't tell you is that Liam had been a compulsive gambler and lost Cordlia in a bet.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Don't worry," said Spike, "I know your Prince's weakness."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"How," asked Buffy?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"I could tell ms. Chase looked Familiar," said Spike, " and then it hit me that who Liam really was."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"You mean he's not who he says," said Buffy.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well," said Spike, "he's still Prince although the folks at the tables call him Angel."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"That's what Cordlia called him," said Buffy, "I thought it was a pet name."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Nope you see Angel is a compulsive gambler," said Spike, "That's how he lost his love Cordy."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"But she said." said Buffy, "is a liar."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well, well," said Angel (what I'll call the Prince now), "Your sweet Will is alive and in fact he is my arch nemesis Spike how ironic."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"The irony is you got this far," said Spike, "but you'll never get us in the catacombs of DOOM."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ha," said Angel, "Like to see you come out alive."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well Angel," said Buffy, "Were survivors." 


	7. The Catacombs

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel are Human.  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes BOLD is what Tara is saying  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy and Spike decided that the only way to get away from Angel was through the catacombs of DOOM.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Come on Buff," said Spike, "careful now."  
  
"It's so creepy," said Buffy.  
  
"I've seen worse on my travels," said Spike, "plus we're survivors right."  
  
"Right Spike," said Buffy.  
  
"Now," said Spike, "we just have to get through the catacombs to where my ship is."  
  
"How long will it take?" asked Buffy.  
  
"No clue," said Spike.  
  
"So," said Buffy, "when did you become all tough."  
  
"I had to, to stay Alive," said Spike, "I had been captured by the trio and then went behind their backs to kill them."  
  
"Why'd you do it," asked Buffy.  
  
"For you," Spike said, "Never really could kill anyone else, just gambled to win my riches"  
  
"And Angel," said Buffy.  
  
"Owes me everything," said Spike.  
  
"Um Spike," said Buffy, "what's that."  
  
  
  
  
  
Just then a giant warm appeared.  
  
  
  
"Oh," said Spike, "that is some sort of creature that lives in these catacombs."  
  
"Get rid of it," said Buffy, "it creeps me out."  
  
"Fine," said Spike as he jabbed his sward into the creature.  
  
"My hero," said Buffy, "Angel would have let me die I'm sure."  
  
"No doubt he would," said Spike.  
  
  
  
  
  
A few hours later Spike and Buffy reached the other side.  
  
  
  
~  
  
* I am on the edge of my seat Tar*  
  
  
  
"Well," said Tara, "I'm glad you like it." 


	8. In The Darkness

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel and Drucilla are Human.  
  
A/N Words like *this* are Dawns notes BOLD is what Tara is saying  
  
  
  
"Spike," said Buffy, "we are free."  
  
"That's what you think," Angel said.  
  
"Well, well well," said Spike, "If it isn't Prince Liam in the flesh."  
  
"Shut up William," said Angel, "yes I knew Buffy was yours the whole time so what. So sad for you we're engaged."  
  
"Angel," said Buffy, "why did you not tell me the truth."  
  
"My name may be Angel," said Angel, "But I'm the Devil."  
  
"But you owe me everything," said Spike, "I'll settle for Buffy."  
  
"Settle if I kill you," said Angel.  
  
"Angel," said Buffy, "I know you like deals so here is one."  
  
"Spill," said Angel.  
  
"Spear Spikes life," said Buffy, And I'll marry you."  
  
"Done," said Angel.  
  
Angel then takes Riley to the side.  
  
"After I leave," said Angel, "take Spike to the tower."  
  
"But you said," said Riley.  
  
"Shhh," said Angel, "Don't tell."  
  
  
  
Buffy and Spike were then parted for the second time.  
  
  
  
"You know something," said Spike, "Angel has six fingers."  
  
"So he dose," said Riley.  
  
"Some guy was looking for him," said Spike.  
  
"Probably another enemy," said Riley, "you are the rightful Prince and all of Florin knows it."  
  
"Were are we going," asked Spike.  
  
"Angel wants you in the tower," said Riley, "I'd let you escape, but I don't want to die."  
  
"I understand," said Spike.  
  
  
  
~  
  
* What will happen to Spike*  
  
"Well," said Tara, "you'll never guess who he meets in the tower." ~  
  
  
  
Now in the tower Spike was not alone.  
  
  
  
"Hello," said Spike, "I can hear you."  
  
"I've been alone for fifteen years," said a young girl in ragged cloths.  
  
"Whoa," said Spike, "I'm Spike and you are."  
  
"Drucilla," the girl (who will now be referred to as Drucilla) said, "would be Princess of Florin."  
  
"You mean your Angel's sister," asked Spike.  
  
"Yes," said Drucilla, "They wanted my younger brother Angel to rule since he was a boy those sexist bastards  
  
"That is so mean," said Spike.  
  
"So Spike," asked Drucilla, "what are you in for."  
  
"I won the right to rule Florin in a card game," said Spike, "plus Angel is engaged to my sweetheart Buffy."  
  
"I can help you out," said Drucilla, "survive Angel's torture test then burrow out with me."  
  
"Okay," said Spike. 


	9. Dreams & Deals

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel and Drucilla are Human.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Buffy has bee pissed ever since I brought her back," said Angel.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Do you think," said Riley, " she loves Spike."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Nah," said Angel, "probably just the jitters."  
  
"Yeh Right,' said Riley.  
  
THEY GOT MARRIED THAT NIGHT AND AT SUNRISE BUFFY ADDRESSED THE COART AS QUEEN.  
  
  
  
  
  
*Your shitting me*  
  
  
  
  
  
"I shit not," said Tara  
  
  
  
  
  
ANYWAY WHEN BUFFY CAME OUT THEIR WAS A NOISE IN THE CROUD.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Boo," said the voice (lets just say Anya)  
  
  
  
  
  
"Why do you boo me," asked Buffy.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Because you gave up on your love." Said Anya.  
  
  
  
  
  
"He would have died." Said Buffy.  
  
  
  
  
  
"It's better to love and loss then never to love at all," said Anya, "besides, I see Death."  
  
  
  
  
  
BUFFY WOKE UP AT THE SOUND OF THE WORD DEATH. UN MARRIED. HOWEVER THE WEDDING WAS IN A WEEK.  
  
*Told ya the wedding was Bs*  
  
  
  
  
  
"You did," said Tara.  
  
  
  
  
  
~  
  
THE NEXT DAY.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Angel," said Buffy, "I will never love you, I love Spike, I will be dead tomorrow if I am not with him again."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Buff," said Angel, "don't go to extremes.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Why not," asked Buffy?  
  
"I'll send to Spike that the weddings off," said Angel, "and if he comes to get you within a week then you're his."  
  
"And if not," said Buffy.  
  
"Your mine," said Angel.  
  
"Spike will come," said Buffy, "I know he will." 


	10. More Royal Dealings

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel and Drucilla are Human.  
  
"Buffy is one in a million," said Riley to Angel, "don't loose her."  
  
"I don't intend to," said Angel, "what with Spike about to be tortured she will be mine it is a shame I'll have to kill her."  
  
"Why Angel," asked Riley.  
  
"Why do you think I had hired the village con artist Cordlia to kill her," said Angel, "she dies Guilder gets blamed I get a settlement and well Spikes dead anyway so I don't need to pay back my debt."  
  
"Your evil," said Riley.  
  
"Are you challenging your Prince," said Angel.  
  
Just as Riley was about to answer the two reach the tower.  
  
"Finn," said Angel, "do your worst I have business at the palace."  
  
At that Angel left.  
  
*But Riley's good*  
  
"Just see," said Tara.  
  
~  
  
"Spike," said Riley, "you know that I don't mean harm."  
  
"Yes," said Spike.  
  
"However I work for Angel so I must do what he says," Riley said.  
  
"I understand," said Spike.  
  
At those words Riley hooked Spike up to the torture machine and set it to the lowest level possible.  
  
"See," said Riley, "I couldn't inflict too much pain on you."  
  
While this was going on Angle was busy in his quarters as Xander came running in. "Hello Harris," said Angel.  
  
"Hello sir," said Xander, "why did you call me."  
  
" Well," said Angel, "bodyguard I would like make you aware that killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my bride on our wedding night."  
  
"I haven't herd of this," said Xander, "and I have sources."  
  
Just then Buffy enters.  
  
"Hello Xander," said Buffy.  
  
"Hello Princess," said Xander, "do you want privacy."  
  
"No," said Buffy, "Angel, have you herd from Spike?"  
  
"Not yet," Angel said, "too soon."  
  
"He'll come," said Buffy, "and I'll be out of this hell."  
  
"Yeh," said Angel as Buffy left, "anyway Harris I want the forest vacated"  
  
"Are you sure," said Xander.  
  
"I am the Prince Dammit," said Angel, "vacate it before I wed."  
  
"I. I'll try sir," said Xander.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
. 


	11. It's A Small World

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel and Drucilla are Human.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
It was the day of the wedding .Xander and other members of the royal guard were clearing out the forest  
  
  
  
  
  
"Riley," said Xander, "Is everybody out?"  
  
  
  
  
  
"Not yet Xander," said Riley, "a Brit is giving me trouble."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Go back to Angel," Xander said, "I'll take care of him."  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile there sat Giles shit faced drunk.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Jenny," said Giles, "luv, I hit the bottom."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Sir," said Xander, "by order of Prince Liam I order you to leave."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hell no," Giles said, "Florin is a free country."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Not anymore," said Xander.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I have nowhere to go," said Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
Just then Faith came over.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Sorry sir," Faith said, "my gramps has an attitude problem."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Oh," said Xander, "well tell him to leave the forest."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Fine," said Giles, "since she's here I'll leave."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Giles and Faith were united again. Faith then gave the distraught Giles news of Cody's death and how Angel is the six fingered man.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Let's kill that basted Angel," said Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hun," said Faith, "it's his wedding night the palace is like a fortrace."  
  
  
  
  
  
"That sucks," said Giles, "we need back up."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"How about Spike," said Faith.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Spike?" asked Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"The stalker," said Faith, "who also happens to be B's William."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Small World," said Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"And getting Smaller," said Faith, "Angel has captured Spike."  
  
  
  
  
  
*Oh my God* 


	12. Bad Things

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel and Drucilla are Human. (I changed To PG 13 for language)  
  
  
  
  
  
In Angel's Room that night...  
  
  
  
  
  
"Harris speak," said Angel.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Forest's empty," said Xander, "Palace is surrounded just like you asked."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well well," said Angel, "good good."  
  
  
  
  
  
Just then Buffy enters.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ready for tonight," said Angel.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Spike will come," said Buffy, "he HAS to come."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well you two," said Xander, "business calls."  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander left the two alone.  
  
  
  
  
  
"He's not coming," said Buffy, "you never sent for him."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Very good," said Angel, "see I want you for ME."  
  
  
  
  
  
"You dirty basted," said Buffy.  
  
  
  
  
  
"That's no way for my princess to speak," said Angel.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'm not your princess," said Buffy, "I'll never be."  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'll kill Spike," said Angel.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well then," said Buffy, "If I marry you tonight I can say it was blackmail tomorrow."  
  
  
  
  
  
Angel then grabs Buffy and locks her in the next room..  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ahh," said Angel, "safe and sound, lets go torture Spike."  
  
  
  
  
  
Angel left the palace to torture Spike along with a reluctant Riley.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Poor Spike," said Angel, "can't stop our wedding tonight."  
  
  
  
  
  
He Puts the machine on full blast.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Don't," said Riley.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Your not in charge," said Angel, "do you want to be next."  
  
  
  
  
  
"No sir," said Riley.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Then shut up," said Angel. 


	13. Miracles Happen

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike and Angel and Drucilla are Human. (I changed To PG 13 for language)  
  
  
  
  
  
While everything is going on Giles and Faith are looking for Spike.  
  
  
  
  
  
"We need to find him," said Faith, "B is marring someone else."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Not to mention he'll help me get my vengeance on Jenny's killer," said Giles, "I hated Angel before, but I hate him more now."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Stop talking about killing for a sec," said Faith, " we need to FIND Spike first."  
  
  
  
  
  
"I feel something," said Giles, "I feel a great pain,"  
  
  
  
  
  
"That must be him," said Faith, "like I said his love is marring a jackass."  
  
  
  
  
  
The Two of them head out and see Drucilla.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ma'me," said Giles, "have you seen Spike."  
  
  
  
  
  
~NO ANSWER~  
  
  
  
  
  
"Excuse us," said Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
~NO ANSWER~  
  
  
  
  
  
Faith then hits Drucilla over the head and kills her.  
  
  
  
  
  
*Poor Dru*  
  
  
  
  
  
The two of them continue on and find the secret entrance to the tower..  
  
  
  
  
  
"Were late," said Faith, "Spike's dead."  
  
  
  
  
  
*NO*  
  
"Wait Dawnie," said Tara, "there is more then meets the eye."  
  
  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
  
  
"Do you have money Faith," asked Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Why," asked Faith?  
  
  
  
  
  
"So we can buy a miracle," said Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"That's a good plan," said Faith, "help me with the body."  
  
  
  
  
  
The three of them travel to OZ the high voodoo priest.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Hello," said Giles as Oz opened the door, "are you Oz the powerful voodoo priest who worked for the king."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Yes," said Oz, "then that jerk Angel kicked me out bye now."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Excuse me sir," said Faith, "but I have a man here who can make Angels life hell if you save him."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Anything to piss the ole prince off," said Oz, "send him in."  
  
  
  
  
  
Giles and Faith carry Spikes body in.  
  
  
  
"How much you got," said Oz.  
  
"Sixty-Five," said Giles.  
  
"Do Able," said Oz.  
  
"So," said Faith, "what can you do?"  
  
"Well," said Oz, "he's only mostly dead, OPEN HIS MOUTH."  
  
"Now what," asked Giles?  
  
"Spike," said Oz, "What do you have to live for."  
  
". Tr ... oooo .... luv...," Spike said.  
  
"True love," said Oz, "love is the greatest thing in the world, but I probably miss understood him."  
  
"Liar," said Willow.  
  
"Leave us alone witch," said Oz.  
  
"I'm not a witch," said Willow, "I'm your wife and I clearly heard what Spike said."  
  
"Yea," said Oz.  
  
"Yea," said Willow, "he said TRUE LOVE."  
  
"Duh," said Faith, "Spike is Buffy's True love NOT Angel."  
  
"This is a miracle pill," said Willow.  
  
"The chocolate makes it work faster," said Oz.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
. 


	14. Race Against Time

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike, Angel, Drucilla, and Darla are Human. (I changed To PG 13 for language)  
  
  
  
  
  
Giles, Faith, and Spike went to save Buffy from making the biggest mistake of her life.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Giles," said Faith, "whoever said this was a fortress this is worse."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Oh, well-um," said Giles, "say has it been fifteen minuets."  
  
  
  
  
  
"I think," said Faith, "better force feed him."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well," said Giles, "If he dose want to stop the wedding."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Giles," said Faith, "how long do we have to wait."  
  
  
  
  
  
"No clue," said Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I'll kick his bloody ass," said Spike, "um-why can't I feel my arms."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Doesn't matter," said Faith, "your alive."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Besides," said Giles, "the feeling will come back soon."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Who the hell are you anyway," said Spike, "where is Buffy."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Where friends of hers," said Giles, "she is about to marry Angel."  
  
  
  
  
  
"No," said Spike.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Yes," said Faith, "we want you to marry Buffy and Giles here to kill the Prince."  
  
  
  
  
  
"His majesty killed my girl." Said Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"We have to hurry," said Spike, "however I need some help."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Problem is see that footrace." Said Faith, "that's the castle."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Do we have any weapons," said Spike.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Just brains, swords, and fists," said Giles."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Were screwed," said Spike."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Wait," said Faith, "when we killed Dru we had a wheel barrel."  
  
  
  
  
  
"That may work," said Spike, "now all I need is a cloak and."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Um Spike," said Faith, "would this do."  
  
  
  
  
  
Faith pulled come cloth from her bag.  
  
"Where did you get that," asked Giles.  
  
  
  
  
  
"At Oz's," said Faith.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Perfect," said Spike, "lets get to work."  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile at the Palace.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Aren't you happy Buff," asked Angel?  
  
  
  
  
  
"No, you son of a bitch," said Buffy, "I love Spike and you know it."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Sorry," said Angel.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I still have hope though," said Buffy, "Spike will come."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Whatever," said Angel, "it'll be too late."  
  
  
  
  
  
The pastor Darla (yes a female pastor) came in.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Love is a many spendered thing," said Darla, "Love lifts us up where we belong."  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile Outside.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Men," said Xander, "do your worst."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Get them good," said Riley.  
  
  
  
  
  
All of a sudden a giant seemed to be floating toward Xander and Riley out of the darkness, wearing a strange cloak, and with a British accent..  
  
  
  
  
  
*It's them isn't it*  
  
  
  
  
  
"Yep Dawn," said Tara.  
  
  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
"I AM THE SURVIVING MEMBER OF THE TRIO," said the figure, " THERE WILL BE NO SURVIVORS."  
  
"Now," Faith whispers.  
  
"Soon," replied Spike.  
  
"MY MEN MAY BE DEAD," said the figure, "BUT I'm STILL HERE BUT SOON YOU WONT."  
  
"Um..Um," said Xander.  
  
"Light it," whispered Spike.  
  
As the Figure burst to flames.  
  
" THE TRIO TAKES NO SURVIVORS," the figure said.  
  
Back at the chapel.  
  
"All you need is love," said Darla.  
  
  
  
Outside.  
  
  
  
"THE TRIO IS HERE TO KILL," said the figure."  
  
"Stay," said Xander, "stay."  
  
  
  
Inside.  
  
"You need to treasure it," said Darla.  
  
"Skip to the end," said Angel.  
  
"Fine," said Darla, "do you have the ring."  
  
"Spike's coming," said Buffy, "I feel him."  
  
"Spike's dead," said Angel, "I killed him."  
  
  
  
Outside.  
  
"Harris," said Spike, "give us the gate key."  
  
"Never," said Xander.  
  
"I'll shag you wild," said Faith.  
  
"Well," said Xander, "I'll just let you in."  
  
"Thanks," said Faith, "I'll have to shag you later though."  
  
~  
  
  
  
Faith and Xander NEVER shagged. 


	15. Sweet Revenge

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike, Angel, Drucilla, and Darla are Human. (I changed To PG 13 for language)  
  
  
  
  
  
We life off when Darla was reading Angel and Buffy their vows.  
  
"Do you Princess Buffy," said Darla, "Take."  
  
"Hurry up," said Angel, "say Man and Wife already."  
  
"Fine," said Darla, "I pronounce you man and wife."  
  
"Finn," said Angel, "lead Buffy to the Honeymoon Suite."  
  
"Spike didn't save me," Buffy said.  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile Xander had let Spike, Giles, and Faith inside and were looking to assassinate Angel.  
  
"Ahh," said Angel, "Spike your alive."  
  
"Yes," said Spike, "and here to take what's mine."  
  
"So sorry," said Angel, "we're married now."  
  
"You son of a bitch," said Spike."  
  
"Harris," said Angel really pissed now, "lock Spike in a room for a bit till I deal with these two."  
  
"Your majesty," said Xander, "I'll do what you ask to Spike, just don't harm the girl she's good."  
  
"What's your name miss," asked Angel.  
  
"Faith," Faith said.  
  
"Faith your free to go," said Angel, "It's just me and the old man."  
  
"Hello my name is Rupert Giles," said Giles, "you killed my wife.Prepare to die."  
  
"Yea right," said Angel.  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy was on her way to her suite with Riley.  
  
"What a weird wedding," said Riley.  
  
"Yes it Riley." Buffy said.  
  
"Princess you should be happy," said Riley.  
  
"I'm married to someone I don't love," said Buffy, "when I thought I lost Spike I died inside and I'm dieing again tonight."  
  
"You died TWICE," said Riley.  
  
"Yes," said Buffy, "and since Oz the miracle man wouldn't even be able to help my hurt I'm going to die for real."  
  
"You mean off yourself," asked Riley.  
  
"Yes," said Buffy.  
  
  
  
  
  
Back to Angel and Giles who bean to battle it out.  
  
"Jenny," said Giles, "I tried."  
  
"You mean Jenny Calendar," said Angel, "her last words were that her husband would get me."  
  
"Yep," said Giles, "Hello my name is Rupert Giles.you killed my wife.Prepare to die."  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy sat sadly in her room pulling a gun out from under the bed.  
  
"Don't shoot," said a familiar voice, "what about the greatest love of all."  
  
"Spike," said Buffy, "your alive."  
  
"Yes," said Spike, "I had been practically dead by Angel's torture devices."  
  
"No," said Buffy.  
  
"Yes," said Spike, "then I got locked in a closet."  
  
"Then," said Buffy.  
  
"I herd your voice," said Spike, "and climbed through the air ducts."  
  
"Well we're together," said Buffy.  
  
  
  
  
  
Back to the fight.  
  
"Rupert," said Angel, "I killed Jenny and I'll kill YOU."  
  
"Hello my name is Rupert Giles," said Giles, "you killed my wife.Prepare to die."  
  
"Bored now," said Angel.  
  
"Hello my name is Rupert Giles," Giles said louder, "you killed my wife.Prepare to die."  
  
"You want that on your tombstone," said Angel.  
  
"Hello my name is Rupert Giles," screamed Giles, "you killed my wife.Prepare to die."  
  
"Never," said Angel.  
  
"How about a bribe," said Giles?  
  
"Money," said Angel.  
  
"You Divorce Buffy," said Giles.  
  
"I'd rather die," said Angel.  
  
"Very well," Giles said as he kills Angel.  
  
"That wasn't so bad." Said Giles. 


	16. Happily Ever After

The Princess Slayer  
  
A/N I don't own Buffy or the movie princess Bride. Also Spike, Angel, Drucilla, and Darla are Human. (I changed To PG 13 for language)  
  
  
  
  
  
INSIDE THE HONEYMOON SUITE  
  
  
  
  
  
"Spike," said Buffy, "forgive me."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Why," Spike asked.  
  
  
  
  
  
"I married him," said Buffy.  
  
  
  
  
  
"No you didn't," said Spike, "you never said I do."  
  
  
  
  
  
Just then Riley came in the room..  
  
  
  
  
  
"Sad news," said Riley, "Angel's dead."  
  
  
  
  
  
"Can you call Darla back," said Buffy, "Spike and I want to marry."  
  
  
  
  
  
"It would be a pleasure." Said Riley.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Say," said Spike, "where's Giles and Faith?"  
  
  
  
  
  
"Well," said Riley, "Giles sadly died shortly after Angel did and Faith and Xander eloped."  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike and Buffy got married late that night and the next day they met the town as king and queen. THE END  
  
  
  
  
  
"That was beautiful," Dawn, said in a horse voice.  
  
  
  
  
  
"You can talk," said Tara.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Barely," said Dawn.  
  
  
  
  
  
Just then Dawn's boyfriend Conner came into the room.  
  
"Dawn," Conner said, "I came to bring you your homework and these flowers."  
  
"Thanks Con," Dawn said, "will you stay a wile."  
  
"As you wish," Conner said. 


End file.
